Tam Cowan: Fuel is so pricey taxi drivers are actually taking shortest route – Tam Cowan

Residents have told of a “war zone” after cars at two homes in Airdrie were petrol-bombed.

Hang on… petrol-bombed?!

Presumably the police are only questioning local millionaires?

Fuel prices have rocketed to an all-time high (diesel is now £2-a-litre at many Scottish forecourts ) and a wee joke that was doing the rounds a year ago is probably now factually correct.

Instead of buying petrol, why not save money by developing a cocaine habit and running everywhere?

I filled my tank on Tuesday (an old aunt had died and I’d come into a bit of money) and the price of fuel really hit home as I walked out the shop.

Tam reckons a cocaine habit might be cheaper than petrol these days
Tam reckons a cocaine habit might be cheaper than petrol these days

Spotting a bag of Sports Mixtures, I thought: “Ooh, £2.85? That’s reasonable…”

Petrol is now so expensive that I’ve heard unsubstantiated reports of taxi drivers taking the shortest route.

But, hey, don’t talk to me about cabbies.

Due to the crippling cost of fuel, I was feeling a bit sorry for the fella who dropped me off in Glasgow city centre yesterday – so I gave him a generous £5 tip.

It was only when I was walking away that I remembered what we’d been chatting about – the fact his taxi was one of the new electric ones


Ach well, at least the fuel prices can still raise a laugh.

Hosting the Sporting Dinner for the St. Andrew’s Hospice in Airdrie last Saturday, I announced to a chuckle or two that one of the top prizes in the raffle was five litres of diesel.

Another two corkers on the list? A nuclear shelter and a doctor’s appointment.

It was a cracking night, folks, that raised over £45,000 for a terrific cause and, for a few hours at least, it took all our minds off the cost of living and the potential cost of World War III.

Craig Levein
Craig Levein

Former Hearts, Dundee Utd and Scotland boss Craig Levein took part in a frank and funny Q&A before football impressionist Darren Farley entertained the audience with a dazzling array of voices.

He’s a hugely talented lad who works very hard at his craft.

For example, to get Harry Redknapp’s voice just right, he watched EVERY minute of I’m A Celeb.

To help impersonate Steven Gerrard, he studies a DVD of the former Rangers boss every day for at least an hour.

And to get Wayne Rooney spot on, he pumped The Beverley Sisters.

Talking of football, my mate Davie pointed out that – according to the bet he placed on the Motherwell v Hibs Scottish Cup quarter final on Sunday – the official kick-off time (as you can see) was 12.31pm.

Weird, huh?

Hibs manager Shaun Maloney watches his side in a stalemate with St Johnstone

With the game being shown live on BBC Scotland at half-twelve, perhaps the extra minute was to allow Shaun Maloney to get strapped into his booster seat in the dug-out.

Motherwell defender Bevis Mugabi didn’t even last a minute – he was sent off in 48 seconds for a crazy lunge and my mob got turfed out the Cup.

So it’s now Celtic v Rangers and Hearts v Hibs – an absolutely cracking semi-final draw.

If, like us, you love a good dose of celebrity gossip then we’ve got you covered.

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Unless, of course, you’re in charge at Premier Sports.

I’m assuming they’ll just show the Old Firm game TWICE.

PS. The SPFL and SFA have banned our domestic football matches being broadcast in Russia, so stand by for a people’s revolt bringing an end to the war in Ukraine.

Well, imagine the protests against Mad Vlad when they can’t watch tomorrow’s coverage of Dunfermline v Morton on the BBC Scotland channel…

  • According to the latest poll, the average sex session lasts 33 minutes. Personally speaking, I’m nearer the hour mark myself. But only because I’ve got a very slow internet connection.

The first rut is the deepest…

Rod Stewart took the potholes into his own hands
Rod Stewart took the potholes into his own hands

Unable to drive over them in his Ferrari, what about Sir Rod Stewart helping to fill in the potholes near his house in Harrow?

A lot of the craters are really bad but I understand the first rut is the deepest…

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Judge Sanj

Sanjeev Kholi arrives for the Pride of Scotland awards at Hopetoun House in South Queensferry

My old pal Sanjeev Kohli will be a guest judge on April 9 when The Masked Singer Live comes to Scotland.

The show starts at 7pm but Nicola Sturgeon can’t yet confirm when it will end…

Staying with TV, all the best to Ant & Dec star Stephen Mulhern who’s recovering after undergoing a procedure at hospital.

I’m told he was having the permanent smirk surgically removed from his face.

Here’s hoping the garage owner can turn clock back

Adam Ennis has been kitted out with machine guns and trained to use them

Good luck to Scots garage owner Adam Ennis, who wasted no time in joining the foreign legion defending people in Ukraine.

As a garage owner, I thought he’d have taken a quick look at the situation and said: “I’ll be ready next Friday…”

Fingers crossed he can make a difference.

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I was reading yesterday about The Nuclear Clock – a universally recognised indicator of the world’s vulnerability to catastrophe from nuclear weapons – and it’s currently at 100 seconds to midnight.

Hopefully our brave garage owner can turn the clock back…

PS. My old Kirkcaldy correspondent Wee Jimmy admits he was terrified when he read the headline “PUTIN ENTERS KYIV’.

“That’s ma postcode!” he said.

Taking the pea

Wow! Did you read about the 25-year-old woman from Cambridge called Summer Munro?

She hasn’t eaten a vegetable in 22 years, she once turned down £800 to eat a single pea and her entire diet currently consists of chicken nuggets, chips and crisps!

How long before she’s awarded the Freedom of Scotland?

That’s salt folks

In other food and drink news, it’s been revealed that Britons are so addicted to salt that one in six of us add it to pizzas and curries.

Personally speaking, I ONLY add salt to potatoes (chips, mash or roasters ain’t the same without it), boiled eggs (impossible not to) and roast chicken (really brings out the flavour).

And that’s it.

Pass the salt? No thanks, says Tam
Pass the salt? No thanks, says Tam

In a French restaurant a few years ago, I made the fatal mistake of putting salt on my snails. They all disappeared…

PS. A record 976 entries for this year’s British Pie Awards – including a kangaroo meat one.

Sounds lovely. The meat will be really tender thanks to all the jumping up and down.

Ill Dad’s turned off to thought of answering phone

Talking of golden oldies, hello to my 88-year-old dad, who’s recovering in Wishaw General Hospital after taking seriously ill on Sunday with Covid.

He’s slowly but surely recovering and I’ll tell you what, folks, he’s definitely feeling a lot better than the manager of his local bookies, who’s REALLY missing him in Cheltenham week.

I can’t visit my dad in hospital due to the Covid restrictions and I haven’t even spoken to him on the phone.

Why? Well, he’s an even bigger technophobe than yours truly and, ever since my wee sister told him that turning his mobile off saves the battery, it’s turned off CONSTANTLY!

Anyway, I know he’ll be reading his boy’s column in his Daily Record – propped up in bed, hopefully, with a cup of tea – so here’s what I wanted to say, dad…

Sophie got a glowing report from all her teachers at parents’ night, a fella called Brian Leckie who used to work with you in Honeywells says hello… oh yeah, and SWITCH YOUR BLOODY PHONE ON!!!

My fave funny photos of the week

The new series of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? has been updated for 2022.

Litres pray

Alexa, I want to live a life of celibacy – how can I achieve this?

Now that’s a tattoo nightmare

The new Rolex.

Check out my new smart meter

A supermarket display inspired by Bruce Forsyth.

So good they named it twice

His feet must be baking in them.

When style tastes so good

A bathroom with a glass floor over an abandoned lift shaft. That’ll cure your constipation.

Toilet humour that makes you scream not laugh

Text jokes of the week

Greta Thunberg has slammed Ukraine for its ongoing use of petrol bombs and urges its citizens to defend themselves with electric/hybrid alternatives – or just throw lettuce.

Closing down sale at Chelsea FC. Everything Moscow.

I’ve got 20 litres of unleaded petrol – looking to swap for a four-bedroom house with a pool.

I was going to buy one of those electric cars but I changed my mind as I can’t afford to charge it up.

Got some fuel earlier and the bloke at pump three put a tenner in. Where was he driving to – pump four?

My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday. That’s utterly ridiculous. I totally forgot it was her birthday.

Peter Capaldi encountered Daleks in his second show as the Doctor
Peter Capaldi encounters Daleks as the Doctor

I met a Dalek in the pub who told me he was from Devon. When I asked whereabouts exactly, he said: “Exeter, mate. Exeter, mate.”

My wife says she’s leaving me because of my obsession with 80s pop music. How ungrateful is that? When I first met her, she was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar.

Is there anything more annoying than trying to text someone and a cyclist bounces off your windscreen?

I entered a competition to see who’s gained the most weight and lost the most hair. It wasn’t actually called that – the invitation just said “School Reunion”.

Police have found the getaway car robbers used after stealing an incomplete set of golf clubs. But they’re still looking for the driver.

And finally

Ya beauty! There was a story this week that allows me to dust down a cracking old gag.

Red Bull thieves stole £850,000 worth of the energy drink in a daring heist in Belgium.

I don’t know how these people can sleep at night…

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